Photo Album!

Did I forget to mention that Beauregard (my pigeon) is a model?!

Specifically, he's a holiday model.

What's your Coo Years Resolution?

My pigeon is a stud!

You are the pot of gold, Beauregard!

Sweet tooth!

This one brings me to tears.

Fowloween!

Hahahaha, He loves gravy!

Sit on his lap!

My best friend.

The King's Speech

I have a dream.

Cheeky!

Now, I'm looking at this poster here and I'm looking at the title, and I'm not seeing any crown, or purple robe, or turkey leg, so I can only assume we are looking through the eyes of the king!

Three whole people showed up to listen to his speech and then he asked them to come closer and closer and finally really close. Maybe he is soft-spoken. That's not a good quality for a king. 

Despite his short-comings, he is still the king, so these people must listen to him. I don't have to because I can't afford it. 

They seem to each have a different opinion of this speech so let's infer:

Man on left: shut up!

Woman in middle: revolt! 

Man on right: what are you guys looking at? there's no one there. 

guess I was wrong. no king. just styled hair. 

TWO FORTIES UP! 

I'm a sucker for slippery hair! 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

What's a hallow?

TWO FORTIES DOWN 

The Tourist

My favorite type of people.

Tourists make me feel like every day is halloween! Mostly because they are all frightened of me, but what I have learned is that spooked people = generous people.

Where is the tourist? 

I guess this film is about two Manhattan socialites who belittle and condescend some tourist for asking which train is going south. 

That's just not my style! When I meet a tourist, I help them find their destination whether they like it or not.

NOW WE'RE TALKING!

Where is the magnificent mile? Oh, I could tell you but chances are you didn't ask me. Don't worry, though, I overheard you ask that nice lady walking her dog and took it upon myself to grab you with my unwashed hand packing 5 inch long fingernails, and take you there myself. 

During our journey, I will insist you listen to my anecdote about how me and Dr. King used to shoot craps, and how I used to play the cello in the Chicago Symphony Orchestra until I was framed for running the Mexican drug cartel just because I was eating a fajita with Manuel Noriega. 

Then, I will tell you some jokes! You'll laugh nervously, and once your head stops spinning, we will have arrived at the magnificent mile! 

Then you will be so pleased, you will try to walk away, but I will follow you until you give me my pay for the day. 

Thank you, it was my pleasure!

I give this film TWO FORTIES UP

How Do You Know

Today, I was just walking my pet pigeon, Beauregard, around in circles (but he's so strong, it's like he's walking me!), with a leash I made out of old subway sandwich bags when every thought I had was being attacked by one of the movie posters at the theater.

I just do!!!

Now, I don't know any film makers (at all) that want to create a film which ultimately makes its audience defensive, but someone did!

It could have been because of the walking in circles, but I felt like I was being interrogated by a child that had four heads that varied from really pretty to broken to constantly on a conference call and finally to old and awesome. 

It went a little something like this:

Charlie: I'm hungry.

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: I guess because I can just feel it.

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: Because its rumbling and my tummy is in me therefore I can feel it.

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: How do I know its rumbling or how do I know my tummy is in me?

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: I don't! That's why I'm asking! 

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: Stop questioning my existence! 

That happened until I got so angry that I punched that child/poster right in the face(s?)! 

Then Beauregard complemented me on my excellent form, "coo," he said which everyone knows is just the street version of "cool, great form Charlie!"

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

TWO FORTIES DOWN!


All your booze is now on the ground, the LAST place you want it. Thanks, how do you know, now i'm sober. 

I Love You Phillip Morris

Could. Not. Agree. More.

Yum!

I knew that this 'Smoking-is-bad-for-you' phase would be just that! A phase!

Everything is cyclical, and in my mind cyclical means smokable! I could not be more thrilled that this slander is finally being pushed under the rug! In fact, it's being encouraged and praised, "I love you Philip Morris!" 

See, it's right there on the movie marquee with a poster and everything!

Look at those classy 'just friends'! Probably walking their dogs to the nearest gas station to load up on these fine filtered candies! They are going to get a lot of fine ladies with those hanging from their super white teeth next to those tan cheeks! 

I give this film Two Forties Up and even throw in a Swisher Sweet! 

Hey lady with the kid!

Okay, so, since I have been reviewing so many movies (2 so far!), I have decided to write a film of my own.

This one is entitled Hey Lady with the Kid 

A film based on true events


This film stars the handsome Charlie who was just minding his own business one day relaxing/warming up under the exhaust fumes of idling cars when a woman wearing banana republic and her child emerged from the local macys carrying bags upon bags of workout clothes.

This is just what Charlie needed! He seized this opportunity to ambush the woman and start singing the blues as loud as he could. The woman gasped, startled and began to walk faster.

Charlie followed, holding out his big gulp cup from 7 11 requesting compensation for his harmonic melodies. This inspired the woman to break into a run, leaving her son to trail behind, for at this point, it was every man for himself!

Charlie called out to her, "Hey lady with the kid, can I get a dollar? Come on, I will show you which way to hold the train card in the slot!"

The running woman started screaming down the street which Charlie found a bit dramatic but also, thought 'when in rome...' so he chased her screaming as well. When he finally caught up to her, she froze in fear.

Charlie edged toward her, getting so close that he could smell the Martha Stewart vanilla candle in her bag. They stared eye to eye breathing heavily from running, Charlie leaned in close- "Can I get a cigarette?"

The woman threw a dollar at Charlie, took off running once again and called the police, the police laughed at her, she jumped right on to the metra leaving her son (but not her bags) behind her. As she entered her gated community, she kissed her husband, told him it was time to have another child seeing as she had lost their first one, and swore to never step foot in that dangerous metropolis again!

-I give this film TWO FORTIES UP!

Because I wrote it!

Sorry!

Hey guys, sorry for the previous post, but I can explain!

See, earlier this evening, my girlfriend got off of work so I decided to follow- I mean- walk her home. When I was hiding behind random poles and cars I collected a few things- flyers, lost dog posters, cigarette butts- to give to her when we reached her destination.

But that never happened!
But something did happen!

When we got to her apartment, I said "Before you ask, yes, I would love a night cap of Colt 45, but first here are a few things for you darling! One dozen flyers, lost dog posters, and cigare-"  But before I could finish, she sprayed me in the eyes with devil urine! It hurt pretty bad, so I ran back and tried to blog about it immediately but I still couldn't see...

Anyway, the point is that there won't be a movie review today and I think my girlfriend and I are on a break. You know what that means ladies!!! REBOUND GALS!

please come pet my eyes.

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Little Fockers!

It's times like these that I am glad to be living on the streets, eating out of dumpsters and wiping with ticket stubs. Little Fockers?

Give me your sweater!

This is some bull shot! 

Back in my hay day, or as I like to call it my roof-over-my-head days, my grandmothers taught me to never, EVER, spell my expletives incorrectly. These kids turned film makers think they can just run out to hollyforrest and make films without getting some sort of education!

Well fock that! 

I can't believe no one has noticed this yet! I tried to tell the pretty lady at the counter that there is a grave error on the marquee and that they should change it immediately. You know what she told me? She told me that is the actual name of the movie! Oh, I was so prissed that I slapped that botch across the face! She liked it. She's my girlfriend now. 

Anyway, I don't want to get too steamed here: I'm a lover not a verbal fighter, but I give this film, 

Two Forties DOWN!

 

I tried to turn them upside down, but I haven't learned how to do that yet. Guess I should take a class on blogging! Just stand on your head for now.

Now, excuse me while I go moke love to my new girlfriend!

The Black Swan!

Lately I have noticed that every person leaving the movie theater has been flapping their lips about this black swan film movie thing. Let's see what it's about.

AHHH!! 

That's one scary golf ball. 

LET'S REVIEW!

Black Swan is about a small pigeon that wants to be a swan. This pigeon is a well respected man pigeon with a nice pigeon job, a lovely pigeon wife, and hundreds of little pigeon babies. In theory he has it all (like I used to)!

However, the desire to be a swan usurps all other aspects of his life. His wife, feeling neglected and alone, starts to see another pigeon, and his children all die.  He gets really dirty which makes him black... and then they call him swan because its ironic or something. 

In the end, there is some girl on girl action and a dance. 

I give this film One Forty Up!

I feel it was a decent film but it could have had more job opportunities. 

What day is it?

Let me introduce myself, seriously- you have to let me, because you know I'm just going to keep yelling until you walk out of ear shot- my name is Charles, but my friends call me 'Lefty Righty Shifty', but my other friends just call me 'Crazy' and 'Drunk' and 'Stop Leave Me Alone, I Don't Have Any Money'! Did I mention that everyone is my friend? Guess what? You're my friend. Lucky you but luckier me!

Anyway, you may be wondering, how did this charming man end up on the streets? Well, I'll tell ya! I don't remember. All I know is one day I'm living the dream and the next day I'm waking up in a puddle of piss and my own (I assume) blood left with nothing but the clothes on my back, a syringe, and a brand new laptop completely installed with wifi!

I thought to myself, "Charles, you can overcome this! Get up, wash yourself off in the lake and get to the job finding!" Then I got tired so I found this amazing alley and, let me tell you, Location! Location! Location! It's right behind a movie theater next to a dumpster. Movie theater dumpsters have the swankiest of foods- hotdog buns and empty popcorn bags (salt and butter remnants? Delicious!).

Life was great, but I eventually started to feel like it lacked purpose. So that brings me to now! I decided that since I live behind a movie theater, I should start rating the movies they play. I can't afford to see the movies, but I can read the titles which makes me qualified for this job!
You're welcome!