Elitist Companions!

Friends with Benefits.

A new movie that comes out this week. Let’s review it.

Well this just gets my goatee. 

I know America has become a selfish, self-absorbed society with absolutely no regard for family values and morals, but this is just ridiculous!

I have tons of friends! Beauregaurd (my pigeon), this statue, this crack in the cement and craig. And NONE of them have jobs much less benefits! I don’t need friends with nice teeth or good health like some people do.

This guy is freaking out about his lack of benefits, because if he doesn’t get some soon, this nail biter won’t be his friend!  Just look at his tie! He’s not going to land that job in the mail room looking like that!

You don’t need her friendship, buddy, you need a job!

Maybe you guys could just fuck and then you don’t have to worry about being friends. Everyone knows that friends can’t have sex and stay friends. Now that’s something I’d like to see. Can someone make a film about that? Trick question. You can’t.

TWO FORTIES DOWN

Whoa, Charlie, where ya been?

Who cares.

Let's get back to reviewin!

Whoaa hoaa ho!

This is the movie, "BAD" written by a sleepy teacher with no blinds for her windows.

It's a tragic tale of a woman who can't remember the purpose of regular day items in her life.
Even something as simple as an apple, we all know to eat it, but she has to be told through writing.

If only someone had put a little yellow note with the words, "sleep under, not over" on that desk she's snoozin' at. Everyone knows under is the only way to protect you from the acid rain of the city.

She probably shouldn't be teaching in this condition. Actually, she definitely shouldn't be teaching in this condition! What is she going to teach those children? How to be forgetful?

I'm angry now. Education is important, people!

Down! 

Photo Album!

Did I forget to mention that Beauregard (my pigeon) is a model?!

Specifically, he's a holiday model.

What's your Coo Years Resolution?

My pigeon is a stud!

You are the pot of gold, Beauregard!

Sweet tooth!

This one brings me to tears.

Fowloween!

Hahahaha, He loves gravy!

Sit on his lap!

My best friend.

The King's Speech

I have a dream.

Cheeky!

Now, I'm looking at this poster here and I'm looking at the title, and I'm not seeing any crown, or purple robe, or turkey leg, so I can only assume we are looking through the eyes of the king!

Three whole people showed up to listen to his speech and then he asked them to come closer and closer and finally really close. Maybe he is soft-spoken. That's not a good quality for a king. 

Despite his short-comings, he is still the king, so these people must listen to him. I don't have to because I can't afford it. 

They seem to each have a different opinion of this speech so let's infer:

Man on left: shut up!

Woman in middle: revolt! 

Man on right: what are you guys looking at? there's no one there. 

guess I was wrong. no king. just styled hair. 

TWO FORTIES UP! 

I'm a sucker for slippery hair! 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

What's a hallow?

TWO FORTIES DOWN 

The Tourist

My favorite type of people.

Tourists make me feel like every day is halloween! Mostly because they are all frightened of me, but what I have learned is that spooked people = generous people.

Where is the tourist? 

I guess this film is about two Manhattan socialites who belittle and condescend some tourist for asking which train is going south. 

That's just not my style! When I meet a tourist, I help them find their destination whether they like it or not.

NOW WE'RE TALKING!

Where is the magnificent mile? Oh, I could tell you but chances are you didn't ask me. Don't worry, though, I overheard you ask that nice lady walking her dog and took it upon myself to grab you with my unwashed hand packing 5 inch long fingernails, and take you there myself. 

During our journey, I will insist you listen to my anecdote about how me and Dr. King used to shoot craps, and how I used to play the cello in the Chicago Symphony Orchestra until I was framed for running the Mexican drug cartel just because I was eating a fajita with Manuel Noriega. 

Then, I will tell you some jokes! You'll laugh nervously, and once your head stops spinning, we will have arrived at the magnificent mile! 

Then you will be so pleased, you will try to walk away, but I will follow you until you give me my pay for the day. 

Thank you, it was my pleasure!

I give this film TWO FORTIES UP

How Do You Know

Today, I was just walking my pet pigeon, Beauregard, around in circles (but he's so strong, it's like he's walking me!), with a leash I made out of old subway sandwich bags when every thought I had was being attacked by one of the movie posters at the theater.

I just do!!!

Now, I don't know any film makers (at all) that want to create a film which ultimately makes its audience defensive, but someone did!

It could have been because of the walking in circles, but I felt like I was being interrogated by a child that had four heads that varied from really pretty to broken to constantly on a conference call and finally to old and awesome. 

It went a little something like this:

Charlie: I'm hungry.

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: I guess because I can just feel it.

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: Because its rumbling and my tummy is in me therefore I can feel it.

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: How do I know its rumbling or how do I know my tummy is in me?

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: I don't! That's why I'm asking! 

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: Stop questioning my existence! 

That happened until I got so angry that I punched that child/poster right in the face(s?)! 

Then Beauregard complemented me on my excellent form, "coo," he said which everyone knows is just the street version of "cool, great form Charlie!"

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

TWO FORTIES DOWN!


All your booze is now on the ground, the LAST place you want it. Thanks, how do you know, now i'm sober.