The King's Speech

I have a dream.

Cheeky!

Now, I'm looking at this poster here and I'm looking at the title, and I'm not seeing any crown, or purple robe, or turkey leg, so I can only assume we are looking through the eyes of the king!

Three whole people showed up to listen to his speech and then he asked them to come closer and closer and finally really close. Maybe he is soft-spoken. That's not a good quality for a king. 

Despite his short-comings, he is still the king, so these people must listen to him. I don't have to because I can't afford it. 

They seem to each have a different opinion of this speech so let's infer:

Man on left: shut up!

Woman in middle: revolt! 

Man on right: what are you guys looking at? there's no one there. 

guess I was wrong. no king. just styled hair. 

TWO FORTIES UP! 

I'm a sucker for slippery hair! 

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows

What's a hallow?

TWO FORTIES DOWN 

The Tourist

My favorite type of people.

Tourists make me feel like every day is halloween! Mostly because they are all frightened of me, but what I have learned is that spooked people = generous people.

Where is the tourist? 

I guess this film is about two Manhattan socialites who belittle and condescend some tourist for asking which train is going south. 

That's just not my style! When I meet a tourist, I help them find their destination whether they like it or not.

NOW WE'RE TALKING!

Where is the magnificent mile? Oh, I could tell you but chances are you didn't ask me. Don't worry, though, I overheard you ask that nice lady walking her dog and took it upon myself to grab you with my unwashed hand packing 5 inch long fingernails, and take you there myself. 

During our journey, I will insist you listen to my anecdote about how me and Dr. King used to shoot craps, and how I used to play the cello in the Chicago Symphony Orchestra until I was framed for running the Mexican drug cartel just because I was eating a fajita with Manuel Noriega. 

Then, I will tell you some jokes! You'll laugh nervously, and once your head stops spinning, we will have arrived at the magnificent mile! 

Then you will be so pleased, you will try to walk away, but I will follow you until you give me my pay for the day. 

Thank you, it was my pleasure!

I give this film TWO FORTIES UP

How Do You Know

Today, I was just walking my pet pigeon, Beauregard, around in circles (but he's so strong, it's like he's walking me!), with a leash I made out of old subway sandwich bags when every thought I had was being attacked by one of the movie posters at the theater.

I just do!!!

Now, I don't know any film makers (at all) that want to create a film which ultimately makes its audience defensive, but someone did!

It could have been because of the walking in circles, but I felt like I was being interrogated by a child that had four heads that varied from really pretty to broken to constantly on a conference call and finally to old and awesome. 

It went a little something like this:

Charlie: I'm hungry.

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: I guess because I can just feel it.

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: Because its rumbling and my tummy is in me therefore I can feel it.

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: How do I know its rumbling or how do I know my tummy is in me?

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: I don't! That's why I'm asking! 

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

Charlie: Stop questioning my existence! 

That happened until I got so angry that I punched that child/poster right in the face(s?)! 

Then Beauregard complemented me on my excellent form, "coo," he said which everyone knows is just the street version of "cool, great form Charlie!"

Four headed child/movie poster: How do you know

TWO FORTIES DOWN!


All your booze is now on the ground, the LAST place you want it. Thanks, how do you know, now i'm sober. 

I Love You Phillip Morris

Could. Not. Agree. More.

Yum!

I knew that this 'Smoking-is-bad-for-you' phase would be just that! A phase!

Everything is cyclical, and in my mind cyclical means smokable! I could not be more thrilled that this slander is finally being pushed under the rug! In fact, it's being encouraged and praised, "I love you Philip Morris!" 

See, it's right there on the movie marquee with a poster and everything!

Look at those classy 'just friends'! Probably walking their dogs to the nearest gas station to load up on these fine filtered candies! They are going to get a lot of fine ladies with those hanging from their super white teeth next to those tan cheeks! 

I give this film Two Forties Up and even throw in a Swisher Sweet! 

Little Fockers!

It's times like these that I am glad to be living on the streets, eating out of dumpsters and wiping with ticket stubs. Little Fockers?

Give me your sweater!

This is some bull shot! 

Back in my hay day, or as I like to call it my roof-over-my-head days, my grandmothers taught me to never, EVER, spell my expletives incorrectly. These kids turned film makers think they can just run out to hollyforrest and make films without getting some sort of education!

Well fock that! 

I can't believe no one has noticed this yet! I tried to tell the pretty lady at the counter that there is a grave error on the marquee and that they should change it immediately. You know what she told me? She told me that is the actual name of the movie! Oh, I was so prissed that I slapped that botch across the face! She liked it. She's my girlfriend now. 

Anyway, I don't want to get too steamed here: I'm a lover not a verbal fighter, but I give this film, 

Two Forties DOWN!

 

I tried to turn them upside down, but I haven't learned how to do that yet. Guess I should take a class on blogging! Just stand on your head for now.

Now, excuse me while I go moke love to my new girlfriend!

The Black Swan!

Lately I have noticed that every person leaving the movie theater has been flapping their lips about this black swan film movie thing. Let's see what it's about.

AHHH!! 

That's one scary golf ball. 

LET'S REVIEW!

Black Swan is about a small pigeon that wants to be a swan. This pigeon is a well respected man pigeon with a nice pigeon job, a lovely pigeon wife, and hundreds of little pigeon babies. In theory he has it all (like I used to)!

However, the desire to be a swan usurps all other aspects of his life. His wife, feeling neglected and alone, starts to see another pigeon, and his children all die.  He gets really dirty which makes him black... and then they call him swan because its ironic or something. 

In the end, there is some girl on girl action and a dance. 

I give this film One Forty Up!

I feel it was a decent film but it could have had more job opportunities.